PAIN IT FORWARD

By Kelvin Patterson

Ricky was roused from sleep one morning by his furious wife, who had begun assaulting his testicles with a taxidermied muskrat.

"Why?" he cried out in pain.

"Because you're going to have a ménage à trois next month with a pair of long-haul truckers!" she replied, tightening her grip on the muskrat's rigid forepaw.

As Ricky watched Cosmina rear back to deliver another fierce blow to his groin, he really began to regret that night at the carnival last year ― specifically, his decision to wed the muscular and clairvoyant Gypsy princess.

(Cincinnati-based storyteller Kelvin Patterson has owned the same Buick Skylark for more than 20 years!)