Saturday, January 19, 2008


By Carla Cuthbert

It was near the end of class when algebra teacher Daniel Huff’s stomach began to churn. Funny, he thought, he hadn’t eaten anything out of the ordinary. But as he gulped down the last of his coffee, he noticed an unusual taste. Then he spied his bottle of liver medication in the trash can. Huff picked it up and gave it a shake.

The bottle was empty.

“Who's been messing with my medicine?” Huff asked the class. He saw that the Patterson twins, Cody and Lindsey, were snickering.

“Oh, we wouldn’t know anything about that,” Cody said.

“I’m sure you wouldn’t,” Huff shot back, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “For a pair of mystery-solving teens, you and your sister never seem to know much of anything.” Suddenly, a massive cramp seized his bowels, and the two-time teacher of the month fell back into his chair, understanding now that he had been the victim of a malicious prank.

“Good Lord,” Huff croaked, reading the label on the bottle. “Ingesting too many of these pills causes searing, explosive diarrhea!”

“Yes, our investigation did reveal that much,” Lindsey said, biting her lip. “But we simply can’t figure out why someone would crush all those pills into a fine powder and pour it into your coffee while you were talking to the principal. The clues just don’t add up.”

“That’s right,” Cody chimed in, “they don’t add up. Of course, seeing as you gave us failing grades on our last exam, it’s obvious that we can’t add up the clues, even if we wanted to.”

“We’re terrible with mysteries that involve math or pills,” Lindsey said.

Huff informed his students that class would be ending early that day. Then he leapt from his chair and disappeared down the hall. And it wasn't long before Cody and Lindsey were working fruitlessly to solve the next big mystery at Fairview High School: Who took photos of Daniel Huff racing to his car in a pair of freshly soiled trousers?

(Author Carla Cuthbert produced a staggering number of coming-of-age books for young women under the pen name, Sissy Saskatchewan. This is her first mystery, and the first story in which she fails to use the phrases "totally awesome" and "nuclear nightmare.")


Anonymous said...

I think a good way to end this asswipe story would be: Mr. Huff came to school the next day with a machete, and cut off Cody and Lindsey's snarky little heads. "That's three unwanted shits in two days", said Mr. Huff.

Anonymous said...

Yes, that is precisely the snappy and ultra-violent ending I was looking for! Now, I need to ask my children if "asswipe" is a compliment.