Thursday, October 04, 2007


By Orville Perkins

The Mattress People are shy and quiet folk. You can sit on them, bounce up and down on them, and you won't hear so much as a peep. Stretch out, spread your arms wide and wriggle your shoulders vigorously against their feathery contours, and only then, perhaps, will you detect a slight exhalation of nervous excitement.

Of course, the mattress salesman will tell you this is the product of refractive dual-coil technology, the same system developed by the military to transport Faberge Eggs over rough terrain. You will be impressed by this explanation. Impressed and unsuspecting.

The next day, the mattress store will deliver one of the Mattress People to your home, and you will dress it in crisp new sheets and a multitude of extraneous pillows. That night, sleep will come more swiftly than you ever thought possible. And as you sink into that deep, delicious slumber, the last thing you will remember is being gently embraced by a pair of soft white appendages, and realizing that you now have a new and completely unexpected friend.

(Author Orville Perkins treasures a good night's sleep. This shriveled little prune of a man recently thrilled Carl Sandburg enthusiasts with his short story The Fog.)


wilson said...

friends i can sleep with, now there's a pleasant thought. thank you, mr perkins.

Anonymous said...

Isn't that Annette Benning jumping upon the Mattress Person in the photo? Can't you post an image of her jumping nude?

Anonymous said...

To the best of my knowledge, that is not Annette Benning. The austere Ms. Benning is known to favor a standard-issue army cot.


what's up?

Anonymous said...

Why, the price of my deviled-ham sandwich spread is up, Chic-Handsome. Way up! Damn this quagmire in Iraq!