SWIMMING UPSTREAM

By Rex Dobbins Jr.

The National Salmon Association had sent its top man into the heart of cattle country on what would surely be his most challenging mission yet.

"You see, salmon is delicious and good for you," he explained to several hundred ornery Nebraskans, who were wondering what this man and his fish were doing at the big livestock show. "And it's so tender, who needs a knife?"

They regarded him warily as he sliced off a piece of soft, pink flesh with his fork. "Easy to prepare, and just bursting with mouth-watering flavor!" he told the crowd, popping the morsel into his mouth and swallowing after several ecstatic chews.

"Mmm, that's tasty," he said, "to say nothing of the fact that salmon is high in protein, low in saturated fat, and filled to the gills with heart-healthy Omega-3 fatty acids!"

Suddenly he felt a twinge in his stomach. He tried to ignore it, but the pain rapidly grew worse. Within a matter of minutes, it would become the most terrifying case of gastrointestinal distress ever witnessed in Clem County.

As the puzzled police detectives would eventually discover, this particular fillet of salmon was not only rich in Omega-3 fatty acids, it was also suspiciously rich in hydrochloric acid, and no one had a clue how it had gotten there. For not even the sharp-eyed cattlemen at the livestock show had seen Rusty "T-Bone" McMurtry, Avenging Angel of the Midwest Beef Council, splash the fish with the contents of his water skin and then disappear into the sea of chaps and 10-gallon hats.

(Not even a brutal panda attack can stop the writing exploits of Rex Dobbins Jr.)