Saturday, January 27, 2007


By Scott Devonshire

"We've got problems," Brimley's agent said. "Big problems."

"Big problems with Brimley?" Brimley's accountant replied wearily. "Is he suing the Queen of Sweden again?"

His agent slapped a sheaf of papers on the desk. "Worse," he groaned. "Brimley wants two hundred bowls of piping-hot porridge, and he wants them right now. Or else."

A melancholy settled over the two men, and they spent the next few minutes grimly contemplating the many horrific indignities that could befall them if Brimley didn't get all that fucking porridge.

(Scott Devonshire also rocked the world of Wilford Brimley fan fiction last year with his action-packed story, Wilford Brimley Goes to the Moon.)


Hugh Jorgan said...

Do piping-hot, steaming bowls of porridge cause anal scorch marks??! And what kind of porridge does this fool require? A quick googling of the term brought me to the ever-enlightening Wikipedia, which allows that the term "porridge" may not be exactly what one person or another expects to find in their pretty ceramic bowl:
* oat porridge - can be made with steel-cut oats (traditional in Ireland and Scotland) or with rolled oats (traditional in England and the United States); known simply as porridge in the British Isles and as oatmeal
o groats - a porridge made from unprocessed oats.
o zacierka - Polish traditional breakfeast made with hot milk, sometimes with sugar and butter.
o in Brazil, mingau de aveia (oat meal boiled in milk) is a very known dessert or side dish.
* maize porridge
o grits, ground hominy grits or ground posole - traditional in the southern United States
o atole - Mexico—water, milk
o polenta - Italy
o mămăligă - Romania
o atole de chocolate or champurrado - Mexico—sugar, milk, chocolate. In the Philippines, it is usually rice with sugar, milk, and chocolate and spelled as "champorado."
o cornmeal mush - traditional dish in southern and mid-Atlantic US states
o ugali - Tanzania, pap - South Africa, sadza - Zimbabwe is staple food over a wide part of the African continent.
* pease porridge (also peasemeal porridge) - made from dried peas, traditionally English and Scottish
* barley porridge
* wheat porridge
o cream of wheat or farina
o semolina
o polentina (could also be made from corn) - Italy—raisins, milk, sugar
o Wheatena - a brand name for a whole-wheat porridge
o uppama or uppma - a fried semolina (suzi or shuji) porridge traditional in southern India; flavored with clarified butter (ghee), fried onions, toasted mustard seeds, curry leaves; often mixed with vegetables and other foods, such as potatoes, fried dried red chilis, fried cauliflower, and toasted peanuts or cashew nuts.
* rice porridge
o congee (also jook (Cantonese) or xifan (Mandarin)) - with chicken or duck's eggs and pork, coriander leaf, fried wonton noodles, with fried bread (yao ja gwai (Cant.) or you tiao (Mand.))
o bubur - Malay
o Kayu - Japan—salt and green onions
o juk (죽) - Korea—with seafood, pine nuts, mushrooms, etc.
o kao dom - Thailand—cilantro, preserved duck eggs, fish sauce, sliced chili peppers, pickled mustard greens or salt cabbage preserves, red pepper flakes
o cháo – Vietnam – ground beef (cháo bò) or chicken (cháo gà); contains water and fish sauce; often served with scallions and fried sticks of bread
o arroz caldo or lugaw - Philippines—rice, water, saffron, ginger, meat optional
o risgrøt - Norway —made with rice with added vanilla, cooked with milk and served with cinnamon, sugar and butter.
o riisipuuro, risgrynsgröt, risengrød, risengrynsgrøt- Finland/Sweden/Denmark/Norway —a Christmas food, eaten with cinnamon and sugar
* buckwheat porridge
o ground buckwheat grouts and butter in Russian ethnic areas and in the Caucasus region mixed with yoghurt
* quinoa porridge
o ground quinoa flakes mixed with cocoa or cinnamon from ancient Mayan culture. Quinoa is now revitalized as a "supergrain" in some vegan cultures
* millet porridge
o oshifima or otjifima, a stiff pearl millet porridge is the staple food of northern Namibia.
o often seasoned with cumin and honey in the Middle East
o munchiro sayo is a part of Ainu cuisine (a native people of northern Japan)
* sorghum porridge
o Tolegi is a sorghum porridge eaten as a midday meal during the summer in New Guinea
* rye porridge
o ruispuuro - Finland - traditional Finnish breakfast

I'd tell him to kiss my ass and to find another agent. And then I'd send him a photo of me eating some Cream Of Wheat and a bagel.

Scott Devonshire said...

Sweet Jesus Christ.